Facts on Funerals

Funerals are like weddings. They last a few hours, yet you can end up still paying for them a decade later.

I honestly don’t get the expensive funeral thing. A while back a high school acquaintance with one child and another on its way told me how financially difficult it was to bury his mother. “There was hardly any money left.” I couldn’t scream at him, “You have kids and you put all your money in the ground! Are you nuts?” Instead I settled for, “Sorry about your loss. I have a coupon for a #7, no mayo, diet Pepsi.”

Seriously, I don’t agree with the costly funeral = love equation. I feel your loved ones wouldn’t want you to become a ramen noodle eating studio apartment dweller because you picked the metal casket over direct cremation. Or, better yet, they’d rather you’d have spent the money on them when they were alive to enjoy it. Imagine if you gave everyone a choice between the following:

a) 10 seven-day cruises
b) Trips to the Super Bowl, Final Four, NBA championship and World Series
c) 100 “Kat’s Meows” specials---foot and hand rescues with a full body massage
d) Enjoying a bathroom makeover for 2 years+
e) A $10,000 funeral

Can you really see anyone saying, “Forget cruising to Greece, I’d much rather have a pricy funeral!” Of course not. So why do we often get caught in the expensive funeral trap?

Sure, it’s hard to digest that few of us will have the Michael Jackson service complete with a gold casket in the Staples Center, Jennifer Hudson singing, and the productivity level in California dropping to negative 3 because everyone views your memorial as a free concert in the middle of the work week. (Planners, why didn’t you put it on Furlough Friday?) But spending a huge chunk of your savings on someone’s funeral doesn’t tell the world, “I really loved this person.” Instead, it says, “Guess the kids won’t be going to college after all.”



If you really love your family, show them by fully planning your funeral and estate. Yes, it sounds horrible. Not quite as horrible as having the DMV place our real weight on our licenses, but horrible none the less. Still, the alternative is your family being forced to sell the house because the funeral director convinced your spouse a marble headstone is, “What Casey would have really wanted,” and shushing the person who says, “I think Casey would have really wanted to still be alive!”

For information on how to plan a funeral, come to Central’s Facts on Funerals program on Wednesday, April 7th at 12 noon.

Christmas in Holis

I was hoping I could all the staff together to sing this song. However, that didn’t happen. So I guess I’ll have to settle for the Run D.M.C. original.



There's always next year...

Stressed Out?

There are times when I get just a little stressed out. I think it's a combination of no one listening to my instructions to use their indoor voices, and getting sad that I am over 30 yet I still don't have the money to buy an island home in Sweden. (Maybe if I put it on my New Year's Resolution List it will happen, LOL.) Instead of sinking into depression, I either go to YouTube and type in puppies, or to make a visit to Cute Overload. For some reason, no matter how many times I see this video it makes me happy. Enjoy.

I'm Thankful for Cake Box Mixes

Here is my two-cents on how main chefs/chief bottle washers/indentured servants can get through Thanksgiving unscathed: Don’t cook.

Cooking for the holidays is overrated. Whenever I hear someone say, “Oh, I love home cooked meals!” I translate it to mean, “Oh, I love when someone else cooks while I watch football and pretend to be too tired from eating to do anything that might resemble actual work!” Last year, after being drafted to cook the turkey at the last minute, I found myself still up at 3 am, said turkey transferred to an oversized plastic Macy’s bag as I tried to pry the neck out of the frozen carcass to get to the giblet package. Meanwhile my (useless) teenage nephew proclaimed from the family room, “I’ve never heard you curse before!”

Sometimes it’s all I can do not to brain someone with a can of cranberry sauce.

This year I decided to do something low key. I asked to dine at a restaurant, followed by dessert at our house. The way my relatives reacted one would have thought I’d asked if I could serve popsicles for dinner. They revolted. In turn, I refused to cook anything big. I don’t care how much food I have sitting around the house; it’s not like the Keebler Elves are showing up to put everything together. Someone asked, “Aren’t you going to use your apples to make apple pie?” To which I responded, “Why would I do that?” Let me see, I could buy two Mrs. Smith’s apple crumb pies for $7 or I could spend four hours and $15 in extra ingredients to make something from scratch. Gee, my poor brain is simply overwhelmed figuring out which one I’m going to do…
To please everyone, I’m bringing an apple crumb pie (the other will never make it out of the kitchen) along with an easy to fix yet highly impressive semi-homemade item. I love Sandra Lee, and it’s not just because she insists on having cocktail time even when she’s setting up a kids’ party. It’s because she also doesn’t see a reason to be chained in a kitchen. Another favorite of mine is Anne Byrn, the author of the Cake Mix Doctor series. Take a regular cake mix, throw in something you already have in your pantry, and presto! Instant good impression. Remember, if it takes more than 15 minutes to throw a dish together, it’s probably not worth the bother. Should it be too late to check out a library book, go to All Recipes for shortcut ideas. So for those of you who normally cook, take a break this year. If someone complains, offer to make them toast and popcorn the next time around.

Fright Night

I love Halloween. It has pretty colors, you can dress up, it has great movies, and unlike other holidays, there’s no awkward moments with relatives, or plastering on a present face after the cousin you gave a KitchenAid Mixer to gifts you a Chia Pet shaped like the president’s head. And there’s no turkey to cook! After last year’s incident in which I was forced to transfer the turkey to a Macy’s bag at 3 a.m. on Christmas morning when I realized I hadn’t removed the plastic giblet bag from its frozen carcass, I’m pretty sure I won’t be placed on poultry duty this year…

But people are lazy, so you never know.

Still, Halloween has its drawbacks. Finding a costume can be a real pain. For those of you who haven’t had your laugh for the day, Google “modest adult female Halloween costume” and see what pops up. Apparently modest means choosing between mid drift clothing or a nun’s habit. Then there’s the logistics of it all. Thus I’ll give people a few tips on how to approach Halloween.

1. Go easy on the vampires, okay?
Yes, we get it. You’re enthralled with vampires. They’re mysterious…just like the contents of that Tupperware container in my vegetable bin. I, too, like vampires, hence the Lynsay Sands and Sherrilyn Kenyon novels in my personal collection. However, living forever on a disintegrating planet doesn’t appeal to many of us non-Twilight mania people. Plus, as a children’s librarian, when I hear about a 100 year-old man obsessed with a 17 year-old girl, I don’t think, “How romantic!” I think, “Pedophile!” So enough with the vampires already. We realize adding plastic teeth to your already black wardrobe makes for a cheap costume, but you might want to check with your friends first. No one needs to see 20 Edward wannabes at a single party.

2. Remember, it’s cold outside.
The average women’s Halloween costume is skimpier than my college cheerleading outfit. I’m not bringing up college cheerleading because a class reunion is staring me in the face and I realize I need to lose 10 (or 20) pounds, get my teeth whitened, and make $50,000 more per year within the next few months in order to compete with my former teammate (or with their Facebook profiles). I’m saying this because we were freakin’ cold! At least in high school they allowed us to be fully “clothed” i.e., an outfit with a real sweater. Should you mistakenly purchase the scrap of clothing retailers call a costume, add some leggings. And a turtleneck. Maybe a scarf…

3. You may play some Michael Jackson music.
Sometimes I forget Michael Jackson has passed away. Then I hear the Billy Jean ring tone on someone’s cell phone and I’m reminded all over again. Usually, when musicians you’ve never met pass away and you start listening to music you hadn’t played in x number of years, I would give you four weeks before screaming, “Enough!” But there’s the Thriller album to consider, a perennial favorite come October, so I’ll let it slide if you throw in a few songs. That being said, unless you want your iPod docking station thrown into the bond fire, don’t scroll to his name and hit play. It’s Halloween, not an MJ tribute.

We’ll save that for the American Music Awards.

4. Don’t go completely disgusting.
Have you seen Extreme Halloween? It’s really cool. The projects are akin to taking the kitty litter cake to the nth degree of grossness. There are a few things in there that are doable. However, if you make food which is too gross, no one is going to eat it. You’d be better off setting out a platter of wheat germ. Everyone’s going to stare at the dish you spent $25 and six hours of your time creating and pass it right by. If you make the house too scary, no one’s going to knock on your door and you’ll have a bucket of candy to eat all by yourself. This may seem great (“Mine! Mine! All mine!”) until mid-November hits and you realize you have 10 pounds of Halloween candy left, and since it’s covered in pumpkins and ghosts, you can’t foist it off on others.

5. Come to the library for ideas and programs.
We’re free. Which means a lot in this economy. Central Library is hosting Trick or Treat @ Your Library on Sunday, October 25th at 1 pm. Families, children and teens are invited to put on a costume, park their cars on the street (it’s free on Sundays), and join us for stories, crafts, trick or treating, Rock Band and snacks. I promise not to make anything gross---when it comes to baking, I’m more Martha Stewart than I am mad scientist. (Plus I’m not willing to put one of my nice baking pans at risk.) For those with itty-bitty-teeny-tiny babies, we have the Baby Boos and Ghouls Lapsit Storytime on Saturday, October 31st at 10 am. Costumes are optional, and parking is free at the 10th and I Street and 10th and L Street city parking garages.

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

Usually I don't do library work at home (okay, that's a lie) but I couldn't wait two days to discuss the passing of Michael Jackson.



I wasn't born during the time of Farrah Fawcett's heyday (though I do think I may have sported that hairdo when it came back in style, and we were upset about her passing). I was too young to stay up to watch Ed McMahon (though I've mentioned him in this blog before). But Michael Jackson...

I remember the first time he did the Moonwalk. I'm certain somewhere in my garage is the tape of it on Beta Max. The crowd went completely nuts. There was an encounter with him in the early 80s in which I could have sworn my sister April actually tapped him on the shoulder. Then there was Thriller. I was both fascinated and terrified of that video. I remember watching the making of it, with John Landis and Michael going over choreography and camera angles. When I went to Chicago for summer vacation there were tons of people sporting the red and black jacket. I even used to have this poster of him up on my wall. He was in a white shirt with a soft yellow vest, and, of course, he had on the glove. I had the little glove charm I wore around my neck. Sometimes I thought Michael Jackson was a little nutty. Sometimes I knew it as a fact. But something I never doubted was his talent. He could sing, he could dance, he could entertain. He was a true showman, whether he was performing at sold out concerts or in front of the world at halftime for the Super Bowl.

He was truly the King of Pop.

Teen Books for Adults: Monster by Walter Dean Myers

Teen books are the best books ever!

I’m not just saying that because I spend much of the day on the lower level, meaning my reading choices are limited to whatever is down here, ordering lists, e-mails and other miscellaneous paper work. They’re really good books. Why? Because you’ll never pick up a teen book and discover the heroine’s problems all disappear when some billionaire bachelor sweeps her off her plain, pathetic, poor, uneducated, I-hate-my-job-and-need-an-intervention feet. (Because what rich man doesn’t want to marry a basket case?) Like movies from the 1970s, teen books are edgier and they actually have work through their problems.

At the top of my must read teen books list is Monster by Walter Dean Myers. This book literally flies off the shelf, and not just because I press it into the hands of every teen who makes the mistake of looking bored or sitting at the computer too long. A National Book Award finalist, Coretta Scott King honor book, and winner of the Michael L. Printz Award for Excellence in Young Adult Literature, this book has so many honors that if we lined the spine with award stickers you wouldn’t be able to read the label.

Yes, it’s that good.

Steve Harmon is young and black.

Steve Harmon is an amateur filmmaker.

Steve Harmon is on trial for murder.

Was he the lookout for a fatal shooting or was this a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Guess there’s only one way for you to find out…

Were you late for work today?

By now most of us know it’s Daylight Savings Time, and thus we sprung forward one hour. However, there is a group (of which I am a card carrying member) who never bothered to fall back in November and we only knew the correct time if we were staring at the cable box. So for those of you who fall into that group, do yourself a favor…

Stop subtracting one hour from every freestanding clock you see in your house.

Have fun working through your lunch hour, LOL.

Free Financial E-Book! Will Self Destruct This Thursday!

For those who haven't been reading the newspapers the forecast for 2009 is...I guess the best word to describe what's going on is scary. Years ago I used to stare (longingly) at the full mall parking lots and wonder if anyone in Sacramento had a job. Today I'm wondering the same thing, only for different reasons. The local economy is bad. The truly frightening holiday bills are arriving in our mail boxes. Today the only way you can afford dinner and a movie is if you get a free ticket in exchange for donating a pint of blood and stay in their rest area for 30 minutes devouring Lorna Doone cookies and making mixed drinks out of all their juices. This may be completely fine to some people, but those donation buses are freakin cold! Plus I was too sick to donate last time. If only there was some type of plan to show us how to dig ourselves out of this mess...

Suze Ormans's 2009 Action Plan is available as a free download on Oprah Winfrey's website. However, unlike many items on our Overdrive catalog, it is not an always available book which can be downloaded at any time. The offer expires at 11:59 p.m. CT on Thursday, January 15. So hurry, hurry, hurry!

Last Chance to view the Freedom Sisters Exhibit!

We know you're busy. It's the holidays. Some of you are out shopping for gifts; others are baking and making presents. And then others are too busy praying for a miracle to come into our library and see the most awesome exhibit we've ever had. But the Freedom Sisters Exhibit is almost over. Sunday, January 4th is its last day on display. To me this exhibit is way more important than making peanut brittle for your second cousin in Des Moines. In fact, taking someone to the exhibit is a gift unto itself. How about instead of baking for your relatives you take them to see the interactive display? Not only will they thank you for the once in a lifetime experience, that's a few less workouts they'll have to do after the holidays because they weren't at home gorging on brownies. So what are you waiting for? The exhibit is available during Central's normal operating hours.

Last Chance to Vote!

Need I say more?

Apparently, yes, because there are some people who aren't going to vote because they are still undecided. Though this election cycle officially started around the Nixon administration, they are lost as to what to do. Last night visions of undecided voters danced in my head and all I could think of is this burning question:

Do undecided people eat?

Seriously, do these people eat? Are they able to pick up a menu and decide what they want? Or do they sit staring at the menu their entire lunch period because they can't chose between chicken teriyaki and beef stroganoff? Is it really that hard? Because our political choices look kind of like the menu board at In-N-Out: Do you want a soda or a shake? Cheese or no cheese?

And how can you live with an undecided person? One time in CostCo I watched a woman call her husband because she couldn't decide which detergent to buy. I wanted to yell, "Get the cheapest one with the nicest smell and leave the poor man alone!" But I didn't do that, though had I done so, her husband might have decided to divorce her and marry me on the spot. Thus, by keeping my mouth closed, I saved her marriage. (Considering she likely lives a better life than me, I sometimes question this decision.)

Look, I realize life is confusing, but it's important to make decisions about the place you live in. They're even bribing us with free coffee! So even if you don't care about democracy or where we live, or if 14 year-olds should be tried as adults, at least care enough about caffeine to get out there and pick someone!

You have until 8 pm.

Need a break from reality?

Have you opened up your retirement account statement lately? You might want to keep a paper bag handy for when you start hyperventilating. Right now saving for retirement seems to have about the same outcome as sending a check to that Nigerian prince who has millions of dollars but needs a few thousand up front first. Our current election feels like it started back in 1984 when Marvin Gaye was still alive and Indiana Jones was a big hit...Okay, that last bit happened this year, too. Still, things are just...

CRAZY!!!!!

Once I get home I have little desire to think. I just want to lay on the couch like a blob and zone out while eating sugary soy based products. But zoning out doesn't happen if you're watching regular TV. You have to listen to "reporters" discuss celebrities and their book based baby names. Or you accidentally flip to a Rihanna video, and, after realizing you're not that much older than her but she looks waaaay better, you end up exercising for an hour. While this may be good for you, is it truly relaxing?

No.

So, If you're like me, and you just need some down time, here are a few videos I recommend to help get your mind off your disintegrating account balances:

Planet Earth

The Matrix Reloaded

In the Heat of the Night

The Shawshank Redemption

Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb

Network

Star Wars

Back to the Future

Teen Reality Checks (a check you can cash!)

Going through the teen section I spotted the Au Pair series by Melissa de la Cruz. The premise is that instead of paying fully trained English nannies totting degrees in early childhood education to watch their kids fulltime, the wealthy would much rather pay the same amount to have their children watched by teens who party like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears. Fine, the teens aren’t that ill behaved. But when School Library Journal described how the au pairs take care of “four over privileged, under supervised kids,” I cringed. Under supervised???? Excuse me, but as au pairs isn’t it their jobs to supervise the kids?

Or maybe not.

Check out these books’ covers. One would mistake the world of childcare as one of glamour and fun, a place where young babysitters watch their charges for ten minutes a day before spending the rest of their time scantily clad in the sand. Because what married, middle-aged mother wouldn’t want a bikini-wearing teen with all of her original parts in their original places frolicking in front of her husband? Why it must be high on her wish list, sandwiched between botched Botox injections and male pattern baldness. Note to authors: stop making teens believe they’ll get paid for rolling around on a beach as if they were taking photos for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Do you know what teen girls should really be reading? I mean besides He’s Just Not That Into You (which an unnamed co-worker feels should be mandatory 8th grade reading).

The Nanny Diaries.

It’s hilarious, and a lot closer to reality to than the Au Pair series. By the third page you can’t put it down as the narrator describes The Interview: “I answer with as much filigree and insouciance as I can muster, trying to slightly cock my head like Snow White listening to the animals. She, in turn, is aiming for more of a Diane Sawyer-pose, looking for answers which will confirm that I am not there to steal her husband, jewelry, friends, or child. In that order.”

And that about sums it up.

Sure, we (meaning teens) would like to think folks will pay untrained individuals tons of money to stay in fabulous homes. The truth of the matter is, if I were married to some rich, handsome, great, rich guy who is rich (it will happen!) and I believed in in-house childcare, we’d either get a manny, or the woman would look like Nanny McPhee and dress like Laura Ingalls.

Will Rap for Food

Has anyone seen this article?

It appears Ed McMahon is turning to rap in order to pay his debts. After seeing him in that suit (though he admittedly looks better in his than the plastic surgeon from Dr. 90210) my first thought was, “Isn’t this one of the signs of the Apocalypse?”

No. It’s a sign of brokenness.

Many of us have been down-on-our-luck-pass-the-ramen-noodles broke at one point in our lives---I believe it’s called the college years. But this is getting ridiculous. First I watch the couple on Oprah trying to wrench sympathy from Suze Orman for getting behind in payments on their 29 (yes, 29) credit cards, and now I have to watch this? But at least Ed McMahon is famous enough to get offered commercials. What will happen to the rest of us non-celebrities? In this economy you’re lucky if you can get a job waiving a sign on a corner while dressed up as a taco. So for those who are in a little hot water yet haven’t come up with a more creative manner in which to sing/rap/chant/yodel F-R-E-E-C-R-E-D-I-T-R-E-P-O-R-T.com, check out our personal finance section.

Olympic Flashback

When I was younger I just knew I would be like Mary Lou Retton and score a perfect 10 at the Olympics. Later I thought I could do one of those rich-people events where they ride on horses in pretty clothing. Today I realize the only possible way I could win Olympic gold is if a series of unfortunate events were to happen to befall everyone competing with me.



See, there's still hope for the rest of us. Sign me up for the 2010 curling team!