After the past two presidential elections I didn’t know what to expect. Maybe voting lines rivaling those at Six Flags or an alien invasion from the planet Ork. I probably wouldn’t have blinked had I heard Halle Berry’s baby declared the winner in the Minnesota senatorial race, or that because I failed to check two boxes at the bottom of my ballot, I was now a member of eHarmony and my phone service was being transferred to T-Mobile. Thankfully none of those things happened (I’d better check the phone bill) and Senator Barrack Obama is now our president elect. And while he has some big things to tackle, like our $10 trillion debt, Guantanamo, and finding a hypoallergenic yet completely adorable shelter puppy, here are a few quick actions he could do on day one:
Clone Sasha and Malia
Is it just me, or are these the most gorgeous children? Parents are attractive, Ivy League educated professionals. If Michelle Obama was under age 30 she could sell her eggs for a fortune.
Push up the fall back
Our current Daylight Savings Time schedule, for the lack of a better word, sucks. When I was a kid, you could barely see your hand in front of your face on Halloween. This year it was so bright, the only reason I knew it was time to pass out the candy was I heard a toddler crying on the corner while his mother said, “Stay-with-me-baby-baby-stay-with-me-stay-with-mommy-listen-to-mommy-get-your-butt-over-here-now!”
Speaking of Halloween...
Pass a law requiring people with their lights on to pass out candy to EVERYONE. When I opened the door to trick-or-treaters, I didn’t see Obama supporters or McCain supporters. I saw Iron Man, Spider Man, Batman, Cinderella, a ballerina, a bunch of teens who didn’t bother to wear costumes but wanted candy anyway, and some adults who knew better yet did it anyway.
Outlaw scary Facebook photos
While such Facebook photos have rightfully ended many what-might-have-been fantasies, it’s a bit unsettling to discover your high school crush now resembles the Unibomber.
Keep taking your kids to school
The next time a significant other tells us they can't pick the kids up/take out the trash/drive us to the hospital, we can say, "Don't tell me you're too busy to make dinner when the leader of the free world took time out of his busy day to drop the kids off by the flag pole!"
Clone Sasha and Malia
Is it just me, or are these the most gorgeous children? Parents are attractive, Ivy League educated professionals. If Michelle Obama was under age 30 she could sell her eggs for a fortune.
Push up the fall back
Our current Daylight Savings Time schedule, for the lack of a better word, sucks. When I was a kid, you could barely see your hand in front of your face on Halloween. This year it was so bright, the only reason I knew it was time to pass out the candy was I heard a toddler crying on the corner while his mother said, “Stay-with-me-baby-baby-stay-with-me-stay-with-mommy-listen-to-mommy-get-your-butt-over-here-now!”
Speaking of Halloween...
Pass a law requiring people with their lights on to pass out candy to EVERYONE. When I opened the door to trick-or-treaters, I didn’t see Obama supporters or McCain supporters. I saw Iron Man, Spider Man, Batman, Cinderella, a ballerina, a bunch of teens who didn’t bother to wear costumes but wanted candy anyway, and some adults who knew better yet did it anyway.
Outlaw scary Facebook photos
While such Facebook photos have rightfully ended many what-might-have-been fantasies, it’s a bit unsettling to discover your high school crush now resembles the Unibomber.
Keep taking your kids to school
The next time a significant other tells us they can't pick the kids up/take out the trash/drive us to the hospital, we can say, "Don't tell me you're too busy to make dinner when the leader of the free world took time out of his busy day to drop the kids off by the flag pole!"
Host inaugural ceremonies in every state
Considering scalpers are selling tickets for over $20,000, it’s needed. Plus it will save me from either commuting daily from New York because it’s the closest place with an affordable hotel room, or staying at lounges all night and showering at 24-Hour Fitness.
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